I read The Hunger Games trilogy in my early teens, and I’ve always been a fan, but I just never got to watching the quadrilogy.

Well … that is no longer true! I’ve watched it. I wrote a ton of notes (mostly jokes & rants) for my friends while doing it. I even jotted down some funny quotes from my little brothers, who watched it with me.

Today I’ll be presenting this random hash of commentary and ramblings to you for your enjoyment. It was almost 10,000 words long unedited, but I’ll try to cut it down a bit. 😉

NOTE: for the big Hunger Games fans out there, I’m not nearly as intensely in love with this series as you (though I think it’s pretty great!). I go into rants about things that are probably reasonable, I’m not afraid to share my opinions, and basically, you might want to skip this one if you’re going to be posting a ten-page response in the comments about how I was so wrong about this and that.

TL;DR – don’t waste your time on idiots like me.

The Hunger Games

Toward the beginning, I didn’t make a lot of comments, but I got A LOT more wordy later on.

So, we’re starting this movie, and it’s very … gray. And over-dramatic. Like they need to … stop holding long shots and focusing on things I don’t care about. Could we push it on a bit more?

Okay, this is legit so over-dramatic. Like, y’all calm down.

Haymitch is THE BEST. Like he is the only character I like based on his performance rather than simply because “I love the book, I know what they’re thinking, etc.”

The spa stuff is not explained AT ALL. Like they’re just … it is just not explained. So much of this is not explained, and I don’t know why.

Cinna (note from later: yes), I think, is really hot. Like he’s … so attractive. I love him. Also, his personality is fantastical, lol.

“I’m not very good at making friends.” Yeah, no, I’m so uninterested in you, girl.

(Just showing you that none of these people are Katniss’s friends.)

THEY SKIPPED OVER SO MUCH. Holy crap. Like they just brushed over the spa stuff and creating the costumes and a TON of Haymitch stuff … right?!

President Snow looks like a less-beardy Santa Claus. I would trust him to watch my babies. Like, he looks like a cuddly grandpapa.

The commentaries are great. Gotta love me some sportscasters.

But yeah, they did totally capture Katniss and Peeta being on fire. Like that looks epic. Also, people be goin’ CRAZYYY.

(Much cool!)

Also, this:

I love how all of the inner monologue that was in the story being gone just makes this a surface-level story with an uninteresting female character rather than an actually interesting story. The book was much better, but knowing the book, I think you can really enjoy this.

Even after President Snow has spoken, I still like him.

I … don’t know what Kato’s issue is. Is he Kato? (Note from later: Cato. but I call him Kato throughout this whole thing.) The dude who just locked eyes with them and startled Haymitch? Like calm down. That wasn’t that intimidating. He’s just your stock jock.

Stock Jock. I crack myself up.

(he is legit attractive, though)

Essie is so extra I can’t even. (Note: I also call her Essie Effie throughout most if not all of this.)

They … are not explaining this little handheld spy camera that Katniss has. I guess … it’s like a … pictures of different districts and such? But it’s so … boring. And unexplained. This is not something to be focusing on for a long time — like you skimmed over way too much to have permission to stare at a forest for however long that was. Felt like five minutes.

(I couldn’t find a good picture of this, but the scene where Katniss is in her room and like … looks at a video of the District 12 forests.)

Kato(?) has that Logan Huntzberger smirk.

Look at them all fighting while Katniss stands there and DOES NOTHING. I am so convinced that she only won because she had a cool story. Without that story, she would have died. Like legit.

(This was the training portion.)

“Arrogance can be a big problem.” Katniss: *slowly looks at the camera*

KATNISS AND PEETA ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS BEST. It’s … it needs to stop. IDC about either of these people right now. Peeta, shut your mouth, you whiny little [redacted]. Peeta the [redacted], I swear to heck …

THESE RAIN FLASHBACKS WITH THE MUD AND THE BREAD HURT ME. Just stop. Like … idc about anything of this. I know this was the book stuff, but this is … so badly framed, lol. Like it’s boring.

Also, I might do like Katniss and just watch Big Hunky Career Boys throw things. [I also redacted the author’s rather inappropriate comments about what happens during the Hunger Games and if it stays in the Hunger Games.]

Katniss, “CAN YOU FRICKEN STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE PRICK.” Peeta: “No, I can’t—” “GROW A PAIR BABY BOY.” And then he does. She wants him to show off to the other tributes. Like why does she care?!! Let him look like a wuss to the other tributes.

And now he’s … painting. I hate him. Why is she talking to him? I frankly don’t remember them talking this much.

James: Who bought decorated cakes in District 12?

Me: Stupid people who didn’t want to eat for a fricken year.

Rue is not that cute, tbh. Like she’s okay. But … idk. Really, I don’t.

Does Haymitch … wish he had kids or …? IDK what that zoom in was supposed to mean, but it was too vague and unpacked by anything else. [That’s referring to that random scene where a Capital person is playing with their kiddo or whatever.]

Peeta gives Katniss like … no advice or wise words. He’s so lame ass. I don’t like him. He’s too bland. At least Gale had a lame nickname and even lamer jokes. And he was kinda … reassuring.

(heart beats a thousand times faster because HE’S LEGITIMATELY ATTRACTIVE Y’ALL)

“I just got mad.” … YOU COULD SEE NOTHING IN HER FACE. Like I know that was the Katniss Everdeen 101, don’t look emotional, but … yeah. She reminds me of my cousin Brooke, LOL.

OMWWWWWW I LOVE HAYMITCH. He’s awesome, and he understands Katniss.

Oh, it’s Effie, not Essie. I forgot that. LOL. Effie Trinket. I thought it was Essie for some reason. Effie is so cute!

“I don’t know how to make people like me.” I KNOW HON I KNOW YOU SUCK SO MUCH LOL. But she has gray eyes at least. Those are pretty.

(I guess her eyes are more blue than gray? IDK.)

Is that Kato? Idk who he is, but he’s so much like Logan Huntzberger I could die. I want to marry him.

(yet more comparison/eye candy … even though they’re not that similar)

People be cheering so loud for Katniss. Like … legit only her weirdness is carrying her through at this point. And her reputation.

Like she’s awkward and horrible, and everyone still likes her. Like she cannot lose. She could say anything — and she would win. And I think the announcer likes her, too.

I think the announcer is a lot like … Jimmy Fallon.

There are way more people in the capital than there are in all of District 12, y’all.

She’s gonna fall over if she keeps spinning. Like she must be super dizzy. I would be so dizzy.

I wish I could remember the announcer’s name. (Note: Caesar) I’m sad I didn’t remember Effie’s. Effie, Effie Trinket.

Like are there tributes like Katniss at every Hunger Games? That are everyone’s pet favorite? And how often do they win? Like always? (Note: there probably are. I wonder what Haymitch’s story was …)

EWWW THAT WAS A FRICKEN WET HAND KISS. Keep that spittle to yourself.

Peeta is great though. Like he asks the announcer dude to smell him. Fricken awesome. Peeta is a pro. He should be an announcer. Like, new career choice, dude!

He’s not that handsome, announcer dude. Like … he’s not. He’s all right.

Peeta: Hahahaha, you just played into that joke I had comingggg!

OMW, he knewwww that would be the next question of the announcer dude. PLAY INTO IT, BOY.

Why is Katniss so dumb? I don’t understand why she’s so dumbbb. I would be so fricken good at this. I should be Katniss. I’d win and I’d do it while being in love and being the girl on fire and being charming and just … being awesome. You know I would. Don’t deny it.

Makes more sense for Katniss Everdeen to be a redhead — the girl on fire and all that stuff. (I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE, MATE!)

Haymitch is actually giving some really decent advice here which is why I love him so much.

OOH IT’S STARTING. Let’s do it, mate. Ooh, I wanna be a game maker. That looks like so much fun.

THE NOISES ARE SO FRICKEN DISTRACTING. What is she doing? Don’t stop — run, you fool. Run. Run, you fool. I want some mashed potatoes. [Note: my thoughts weren’t working at this point.]

Lots of blood be flying. They’re all trying to kill each other. This is good. Why be she FALL DOWN!? I hate your guts. “Woodswoman,” indeed. I never would’ve fallen down.

Kill Foxface. I know it’s not canon. But kill her. (That is Foxface or whatever, right?)

Yeah, no, girl, just run like the wind. This is what you should’ve been doing it all along. Okay, now … OKAY she took my instructions so I shouldn’t be mad, but when I said, “run,” I didn’t mean “until you trip again.” That was dumb. Don’t expend all your energy in the first half an hour of the games, you idiot. There shall be like a week of this.

Is she … silently counting the canons and moving her lips? Can she not control her lips? Also, how many died at the Cornucopia? Was it be like …? I forgot. I didn’t count because I was busy critiquing her lips.

Why did she ever leave this water source? Is she building like a … tent? Why she doing that? No, it’s a … okay, she caught herself a thing. She eats the thing. Lots of time must be passing, I feel, and they’re just skimming over all this crap that she’s doing.

She’s mostly just chilling. Chillin’ in the woods on a tree. Is most of this movie going to be Katniss chilling in the trees? I feel like it is.

Oh, right, the sky people. That’s cool. Good to see that lots of people are … dead. So 11 of them died?

DIDN’T HAYMITCH LITERALLY SAY NOT TO BUILD A FIRE!?!? That’s your issue. Not mine. Oh, wait, that was a dream. So 13 have died by now. And there’s an alliance.

Poor Peeta. He reminds me of my Peter now. Like he would so get himself into this situation and end up in with an alliance of killers and somehow misdirect them from Alice all the while playing his “lover boy” card.

DO THEY NOT REMEMBER THAT PEETA LOVES KATNISS?

LIKE

THE FRICK

DO THEY NOT REMEMBER!!!?!

I got me some mashed potatoes now so I’m gonna eat them.

Dang it. These mashed potatoes suck when rewarmed. I be so confused. The other ones were really great rewarmed, but these ones suck so bad. I’m just not enjoying these.

Ah, trackerjackers.

The careers sleep like babies.

Why are they not stinging her so bad??? Like I be so confused. Oh, a couple be stinging her. Okay, chill.

They be bad at running away from these.

Is that one who was screaming so bad dead? Yeah, she be dead.

All the weird sound effects … I swear, I’m gonna die.

How did Peeta not get stung?! Peeta… the golden boy.

How is she hallucinating things she’s never seen? Like the announcer making the announcement about trackerjackers?

She is so lucky she didn’t die.

I still don’t care about Rue. Also, she seems younger than 12.

Katniss: I don’t answer questions about my fricken love life you little punk.

Ohhhhh dang. I forgot what the mockingjays even were.

They totally ditched all the character development. It’s just kinda skimmed over. And like I know why, but it still feels so … empty. Like it’s legit just … boring.

The guard of the pile is officially awful at everything. Like he totally missed Foxface or whatever her name was. Was that Foxface?

Ooh, the apples! Good girrrrllll. I remember that. Computer be dying now so that’s sadness. Plugged in now so that’s goodness.

Good little apples.

JUST DIE ALREADY RUE. You basically committed suicide by being a stupid little screamer. You screamer. I don’t care. I’m not emotional. No one had time to love you or anyone else in this movie, so I DON’T CARE. JUST FRICKEN DIE.

Okay, she’s dead. Whew. I’m so glad.

Oh, don’t cry. You’ve known her like a day, and she just saved your life once so you shouldn’t care. Like really, mate. C’mon, Katniss. Stand up and run. They know where you are now. THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW.

OH MY GOSH. She is stilllll crying. This keeps going and going and going on. I wish they would spend half as much time on Katniss’s character development as they do on this character who has had less screentime than Haymitch and yet who I’m supposed to feel an emotional attachment to.

Okay, so, really, if they’d just spend a littttle less time on long dramatic shots with sad music and hectic cut shots with screeching and random sound effects, they would have so much more time for actual character development.

OMW. Is she still crying????????????????????????????? OMW. JUST STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. Get over your fricken lame self. You are such a wimp. Get to work!

I just need them to stop fussing about all these stupid things I don’t care about and get on to the games. We don’t have enough time left in this movie to make a clear ship apparent, and we all know we need that.

Did she not scream Peeta!? And it wasn’t night?!?!?! WHAT?? WHAT????? Okay, they can skip any part of the story BUT that. What??? I was so looking forward to that part, and yet all we have is Katniss taking off running.

Noooo, they skipped over the good stuff. Idiots. I hate the filmmakers now.

Also, how did he get hurt again? Like I’m so confused. Okay, now they’re gonna explain … right?

All right, I’m still confused.

“Katniss.” “Shh.” “Katniss.” “No.”

My thoughts exactly.

Yay, random unexplained cave.

He didn’t deserve that kiss, and now his hopes are raised. Thankx, Katniss. Thankx.

They kissed once and got a package … okay, but I remember that from the book. Like they kept playing it off and having really romantic conversations but Katniss was a party pooper and really just SUCKED at it.

LOOK AT THE WAY SHE JUST LOOKED AT THE CAMERA. I seriously believe that Katniss would rather die than kiss Peeta for real, or carry on this charade, and yet she’s still unsure if the actual dying part is gonna be worth it.

“You feel hot.”

But he doesn’t look hot.

“I watched you walk home every day. Every day.”

OMW YOU CREEPY LITTLE STALKER. I love how almost dying was the only thing that make him confess this — like legit.

“I’m not good at saying something.”

LOL AIGHT.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO KISS YOU. She thinks you’re dying. Don’t make a lot of this. Okay, they didn’t kiss, though? Just snuggling? They need to stop snuggling.

I love how Katniss is just like, “well, time to die then.” I feel like she would rather die at the Cornucopia than come back to Peeta alive, sooo? Also, Gale be like, “WHAT THE HECK!? I thought our chemistry was legit.”

Peeta is such a chauvinist by modern standards. Like legit. She goes and gets him medicine, she is all impressive, and he’s like, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO.” Boi, she be saving your life. What you all about!?!

I love how Peeta is just filling the air with noise half the time.

Oh, they’re making those dogs? I mean, seeing the background of the games is kinda fun.

They are bad at hunting and killing people. That’s what I’d be doing if I were the only team in a game group of like … 4 or 5. Maybe 3. I think the black dude just died. Yeah, he did, so he died via … dogs? Are they just wanting to finish this up? I think the Capital is tired of this dragging on.

I need to get closer to the TV to thoroughly enjoy this.

Okay, I finished it. We’re gonna move on to Catching Fire now. I felt like the ending was a little rushed, and the pacing on the berry scene was weird. It needed to be more awkward when the announcer broke in.

Catching Fire

We just took a break to watch the Studio C Team Peeta song, and now we’re moving on to the next movie.

James keeps breaking in to make snarky comments. And we’re only like 30 seconds in. The dramatic long shots are gonna be the death of me, and also, Katniss’s residual awkwardness. I need to watch something else to believe that Jennifer Lawrence is a good actress.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe given the movies that Katniss went through enough to get PTSD. Like I know some people are … more easily PTSD-ed, but … this is just … I mean, she barely killed anyone.

I feel like Gale knows what he wants and just gets it. Which is so attractive. He just KISSES her. Maybe I’d take Peeta more seriously if he did that kinda stuff. He’s just … Gale is so forceful, and Peeta is as soft as the bread he bakes. Like, there is legit nothing more attractive than a really forceful man, and I can’t even. Why does ANYONE prefer Peeta? Like he’s … just … ick.

Haymitch is doing his drunken thing, which is … exactly what I expected. I am pleased. His house is such a trash heap, and I love his random yelling.

Peeta just showed up out of nowhere. Like c’mon, Peeta. He’s like, “Want some bread, Katniss?” I’m like, [redacted comments about Peeta’s relationship status].

Oh, right Snow came to see her …? I still feel like he’s an old grandpa. I can’t be intimidated. I expect to go camping with him.

James: *pauses the movie* President Snow? *plays the movie* *pauses the movie* He’s a bit cold. *plays the movie* *pauses the movie* A bit frosty. *plays the movie* *pauses the movie* He gives me chills whenever I’m around him.

JAMES, SHUT UP.

I love how Snow doesn’t expect a teenage girl of all people to be rebellious. Like, if you don’t want rebellion, have a bunch of 30-year-olds kill each other.

“He’s a lovely boy.” OMW, I love him. “At what point did he realize the depth of your indifferent toward him?” This is fantastical. I love this so much.

Snow is great. I will say it again and again.

Is that Effie? She’s changed outfits so I don’t know. I think it is. It’s so hard to tell, though. Honestly, this would be such a fun role to play.

Oh, it’s the … black dude? Right? Ci…cirro? Cina? Cina. It’s Cina. I like him. He’s fine.

SOOOO basically, Peeta is NOT forceful. He’s so in the friendzone. If he were like Gale, he could have the girl, but he’s … not.

Also, I think Ian told me his favorite color was orange. So now I’m dying. [Note: I asked Ian, and it’s yellow, but STILL.]

Why are all the black people here? This is fricken ridiculous. Also, I have always loved the loyalty stuff. But what I want to know is are the districts segregated? Like 1/12 being black would make sense, I think, because we have a little more than that of black people in America (I think it’s 12%?), and maybe they killed a lot …? Like I don’t even know what it means.

Also, I love that Haymitch just cuts to the quick. He’s so great. I wonder what personality type he is.

OH HOLY CRAP HAYMITCH IS ISTP. YUS MAN. I love him so much.

“Yeah, sure, let’s do it.” That’s one way to accept a proposal. (Probably how I will accept a proposal, actually.)

OMW I love Effie, too. What even happens to Effie after this? I ship Effie and Haymitch.

I think that Katniss is really in love with Gale. Like she just is. And Gale is pretty awesome. He knows what’s up about the rebellion and everything, and he’s just right.

The stormtroopers are so efficient. They’re so much better than on Star Wars. Star Wars needs to take notes from The Hunger Games.

James for whatever reason remembers that Katniss takes care of Gale’s flogging marks. Which is kinda funny. Also, Katniss is destroying Snow’s idea when she runs out there to defend Gale.

All these rules got fricken harsh in a second. #horriblestuff #dictatorship

Why is Prim so confident? She’s so tiny? And small? And young? Too young to know medical crap. *shrugs*

James: Wait, Kelly. *pauses the movie* After 4 movies, does she pick one of them?

Me: Yeah.

James: Who?

Me: Peeta.

James: WHY!? Okay, we’re stopping the movie now. We’re going to bed. Let’s just … go. Can’t she see the chemistry here?

Oh calm down Katniss. It’ll be fun. You can go kill a bunch of people.

Gale keeps kissing Katniss. OMWWWW.

OKAY, so that was all happening pretty quick. Also, I wanted them to go over all the tributes but they didn’t. Just the plot important ones. I do love the details of the new costume, etc., for the tributes-riding-out-thing.

The Roman aesthetic is tight. Gahhhh, the fireeee.

The girl who strips in the elevator is my favorite. Jo … Joanna? Maybe?

PEETA NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE A POLITICAL STATEMENT.

KATNISS NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE A POLITICAL STATEMENT.

Jimmy Fallon announcer is still epic and extra. I love the designer dude so much. He’s so awesome that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Also, it’s so fantastic that everyone is so … awesome. Like you can see why they’re all winners. THEY JUST ARE WINNERS. You can tell. And their little statements are perfection.

Katniss’s wedding dress is a bit much, honestly — wish he’d gone more smooth and simple. I feel like it doesn’t compliment her perfectly … like it’s okay, but it’s not perfect.

I love how everything Snow does just makes things worse.

OH, his name is Caesar! I forgot. Also, the way they chatter back and forth is in such a stark contrast to the way they talked at the first game.

TWIRL GIRL TWIRL. Love it.

Cinna is so dead, though. And he knows it.

GAHHH PEETA IS ABOUT TO SAY IT. PEETA IS ABOUT TO SAAAAYYY ITTT! I’m so ready for this.

YUS PEETA YUSSSS!

Haymitch just tilts his flask. Yus Haymitch. Be my golden star. YUS REBELLION.

Effie is so sad. Like she just needs friends, and she’s so sad that the only friends she has are dying.

Love how they just want Katniss dead, and yet she Just. Doesn’t. Die.

Of course they’re doing it on purpose in front of her to make sure she knows that Cinna dies, et cetera — it’s so sadistic. I would just watch — because honestly, I would have known he was going to die. Katniss is so naive.

Also, I just found this:

I always love the design of these arenas!

I don’t think that Peeta needs to be doing hand to hand combat. Like it seems like he fricken sucks at it.

I love how Finnick is just like, “Yeah no I’m on your team.” I love him.

The tropical environment is exactly what I imagined in my head. Beautiful yet overly steamy and dangerous.

Peeta is such a little peace-maker.

I love how Katniss starts freaking out. Also, Finnick is not doing CPR hard enough. But I’m glad he’s alive … kinda. *eyeroll*

“Be careful — there’s a force field back there.”

Omwwww I hate him so much.

Also, is it Snow’s daughter who is periodically making comments about loving Katniss? Or granddaughter? Anyway, it’s interesting for sure. Not in the book. #NotMyHungerGames

Finnick saved Peeta’s life, and honestly, Katniss not trusting him is legit ridiculous. I would trust him but be careful. Also, he’s sweet with Mags. I like him.

*strange sounds in the night* Mags: nope

Ohhhhh! Dang! I forgot how awesome this arena is. Okay, so there’s a different weather at the top of every hour, and it kills. So now they’re escaping poisoned fog. Coolio. Mags is so epic — I remember that now.

Why are they falling over each second as if they’re three-year-olds? Are they just learning to walk?

It’s a good thing they FELL RIGHT OUT OF THE FOG ZONE.

Man, those boils look painful. Like they just look like they need to be popped.

If Katniss were pregnant, she would probably miscarry. Like … I’m sorry, but … that baby has a very low chance of survival.

Peeta is so oblivious to the evil monkeys. Also, I love how monkeys is a weather. Or baboons. Whatever they are.

I think the Morphling just wanted to be done with the withdrawals. I wouldn’t call it a legitimate sacrifice.

“It’s Joanna. Joanna!” “Finnick!”

Ummmm … what’s that about?

I feel like these are all children. Like they were all pulled away from their homes as teens and went through a bunch of stuff, and all of them have the emotional intelligence of a child.

Poor Nuts.

Also, I … do not find the Jabberjays scary. Like … it just doesn’t scare me? I could listen to Bailey screaming all day and not care. Like I’d find it hilarious.

Joanna is my fave now.

“Love is weird.” ~Joanna

I know, girl. I know.

Maybe Katniss should marry Finnick instead. He might set her off a bit better than Peeta — she’ll run all over Peeta, but not Finnick. I know Finnick is a bit older, maybe twenties, but still.

Okay then … this is real kissing. Calm down. I think this is the first time their kisses have looked like real kisses.

“It’s an impressive conductor.”

I don’t know what Katniss is complaining about. Joanna (sic: Johanna) is the most fun to spend time with. More fun than Peeta for sure.

Good on you for your moral high ground. I’d be killing all these players.

I would get up and go away if the room was falling down on me. Like I know she’s electrocuted and all that, but I’d heckin’ run.

Katniss is so dumb. Like she legit can’t shut up for more than two seconds.

I just got that Joanna cut out Katniss’s tracker. Makes sense, makes sense.

You … might want to stick with Gale. He’s all hot and rugged and rough. You want that in your life.

I wouldn’t be sad about all of my district dying. Like … just get over it. Only love like 3 people, and you’ll only grieve like 3 times. That’s my mantra.

Okay, that’s it. Maybe Mockingjay 1 & 2 tomorrow? I don’t know.

Mockingjay, Part 1

Why is Katniss sweating and sitting in a dark place? Idiot. Also, she needs to take a major chill pill. Calm down and stop screaming. She’s got some serious messed-up issues. Don’t know what her problem is.

I know in the book she has PTSD, but in the movie, she’s just a jerk. I need to reread the books … they were so good.

Who is crying in the hallway? Can she not walk a little faster? Okay, so it’s … Finnick. Why is he crying? I feel like he has a thing for Joanna. Or wait – I forgot that he has a girlfriend? … who she be?

LOL, the title card thing it’s a big deal. When does The Hanging Tree song get introduced? I thought that was a big deal throughout, but it hasn’t happened yet, and we’re … halfway through the trilogy, I guess. #unnecessaryfourthmovie

Gah, this new black guy who came to talk to her is not nearly as attractive as Cinna. #IMissCinna #OrWhateverHisNameWas

The set design of Thirteen is honestly way too dark for me to appreciate it. So I know why it’s like that, but I cannot see anything except lights and pipes and all.

If you had seventy-five years to prepare, you’d think you had the advantage. Especially since you have a fricken society and no one knew you existed. Like … I feel like this is kinda cut and paste. New power emerges, they’re a big deal, it be time for some deaths.

Honestly, Katniss is 100% NOT a courageous young woman. She’s just a young woman who accidentally stumbled upon a revolution with no intent to do so.

OMW STOP ASKING ABOUT PEETA AND GET IT ON WITH GALLLEEE! These people fricken saved your life — can you STOP WORRYING ABOUT PEETA FOR FIVE FRICKEN SECONDS.

Peeta is not a figurehead. Peeta is now powerful or impressive. Peeta is too weak. Just SHUT UP ABOUT HIM and help with the revolution.

He’s right. No one else can do it but her. And she needs to deal. Like Katniss is such a weak little baby. No one cares about your issues. There are people in much worse situations than you who have grinned and beared it and MADE THINGS HAPPEN.

So yeah, do show her District 12. Make her know that this is bigger than her little hot/cold romance. Make her know that this is bigger than her issues and her nightmares. This is an entire nation! And they are counting on HER — though goodness knows why. (Like all figureheads, she doesn’t really hold up in person.) WOMAN UP, WOMAN!

They’re flying over District 13, and James goes:

“Wow. They totally bombed the surface.”

Me, glances over at a lush forest: *starts laughing*

Thad: It’s totally destroying.

James: Look at that disgusting vegetation. They must’ve bombed it with seeds.

I just …

James: I think we’re gonna have to watch more of Katniss being sad before some action actually happens.

Like, that’s a good summary of the start of the Mockingjay book, but let’s see how long this crap goes on in the movie. Because their pacing is realllllyyy fast where it needs to be slow and slow where it needs to be fast a lot of the time.

This reminds Thad of Germany during the fall of the Third Reich, and honestly, before now I was getting more ancient Rome vibes before now, but that’s true. Like it looks like a 1940s bomb site in 12.

James: Girl, you killed people with bows, and you see one skull, and you’re like, “ewww.”

I totally agree. She’s such a baby. Grow up. You KNEW this was gonna be it, and you couldn’t prepare yourself?

Her house is in surprisingly good condition, and she still acts like it’s a big deal, but IT’S ALL THERE. Also, I thought she’d rescued the cat earlier in the book …? I don’t even know.

That cat is acting exactly how I feel about Katniss. Also, I think even a mean cat would be happy to see a human being after its fricken city got destroyed.

District 12 looks legit the same. Like, wasn’t there always …? I mean, c’mon. It looks like her family is out shopping or something. But she’s acting like it’s all poignant. Legit it’s ALL THE SAME. Calm your crap.

I’m already sick of the poignant stuff and wishing we were back in the Arena killing people.

Ah, Snow, my dear old grandpa. And yeah, he’s super smooth.

“It is a peace built upon cooperation and a respect for law and order.”

You know what? This reminds me of people nowadays. They be like, “IF YOU’D JUST CONFORM TO THE SUGGESTIONS THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE LAWS” and I’m over here like, “WE CANNOT CONFORM TO THE SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE WE HAVE TO FIGHT THEM AND THE LAWS AND HAVE FREEDOM IN OUR AMERICAAAA!”

Like c’mon, guys, do you even hear yourself?! Preaching conformity in America? You’re fricken mad. That’s not what we’re all about.

I wonder if the Covid-19 was the start of the Hunger Games. Just saying. #conspiracytheories

How did Katniss even walk in with the cat, though? Like, do they just trust her that much? She can carry legit anything into District 13, and they’re like, “Yeah no chill mate just bring it in.” Even though it could be like … a bomb? Or it could be tracked. Her CAT could be bugged!

Ohhhh, I forgot that Peeta was … oh my word. Caesar and Peeta are talking. Okay, this is so cool.  Katniss knows that Peeta is gonna be … like … drugged or something, right?

So I can’t remember if Peeta is just being his charming (fake) self or if he is just saying whatever. And Caesar is like, “I believe you, Peeta.” And I’m like, “I fricken wouldn’t.” But it’s true, Peeta is unable to lie. He’s too pure for this world … and yet too cowardly.

THIS IS WHY GALE IS SO AWESOME AND PEETA IS SO LAME. Shut up, Peeta. KILLING IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER. ALWAYS. Like just DIE instead. Let Peeta die, Katniss end up with Gale, the rebellion be epic, and Peeta could even have died getting that rebellion going. But instead he’s a little pair of girl’s bloomers!

All this over-focusing on random things that don’t matter is what is making this so fricken long.

See, now Katniss is doing good stuff. Good girl, lady.

WHY ISN’T GAMEMAKER AWESOMESAUCE IN CHARGE!?! The president is so lame.

“Her whole stick is having white hair and saying no all the time,” to quote James.

I love how Katniss’s other requirement is that her sister gets a kitty. Like c’mon. Kill that cat and get her a border collie. That’s what she needs.

Effie is NOTHING without her makeup. But she needs to remember that Katniss is her “little victor.” Okay, now I can tell it’s her now that she’s condescending. YUS EFFIE HELP KATNISSS!

Finnick is so attractive, though.

No one likes the President in this household. We all are just hating on her constantly. She is very concise — as the gamemaker says. He’s so good. He knows all the crap. He understands how to sell things.

“Now I’m condemned to this life of jumpsuits.” “I miss coffee.” “She’s just warming up.”

Effie is so great. I mean, I’m not sure I want to see these bloopers. There we go.

IS THAT HAYMITCH! Hey, Mitch, What you been up to!? I miss you so much. He’s just blowing his nose. OMW. I love him so much!

Her line is still so bad. Like how can she be sooo bad.

Haymitch: Indulge me for a minute.

LOL, that’s all we’re doing, Haymitch, AND WE LOVE TO INDULGE YOU, MY GOOD SIR.

I love his little speech. And Effie and Haymitch are such a HARD SHIP. Like I love them both so much. And yes, Katniss is pretty stupid, so y’all can’t … like … y’all can’t … have her be a figurehead. Because in reality, she sucks.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN UNTRAINED CIVILIAN!? How many Hunger Games did you go through, you stupid president? I hate her.

Haymitch is basically an ISTP being amused by Katniss’s awkward INTJ-ness, and it’s beyond fantastic. This is exactly how I’d react to Katniss.

Is she more like an INTP? ISTJ? Whatever she is, she is not an ISTP, because ISTPs are capable of being charming, and she legit is not. Like, she does not have an “office face” like I do.

Katniss is a symbol because everyone made her a symbol — and by that I mean Haymitch, Effie, Cinna, and Peeta. Otherwise, she is nothing.

James: You know what I’m calling this group? The expendables. Because they’re all gonna die. Like, he can’t even talk [Castor or Pollux or whoever it was]. He’s gonna die!

Also, HOW do they just fly into a district? That’s … weird.

What I want to know is how Katniss does not expect ALL of this. Like how is she so dumb? Like legit dumbness? SHE. SHOULD. KNOW. None of this should shock her.

Also, she’s so bad at everything. Put her back in the woods and let her just … wander around and feed herself. She’ll be fine. Let Haymitch be the new face of the rebellion.

I don’t know why the movie thinks I’m going to be caring about all these fictional people from a fictional country. There is … no reason. Like they’re not real so I don’t care.

“What about the baby?”

James: *starts laughing so hard and pauses the movie* *fake English accent* OH KING CHARLES IS HAVING ANOTHER BABY. WHERE’S THE BABY!?!?! I WANT TO SEE THE BABY.

That’s awkward, though. Like … it’s awkward. They just glossed over that “miscarriage.” They need to spend more time on that. Like, “The capital killed my baby that I conceived with the other half of my star-crossed lovers.” That’s a big deal. Fricken make that a big deal!

Like, I don’t care about all those people in the hospital, either. I hope you know that.

Did they not think Katniss would do all the stupid things? Katniss ALWAYS does all the stupid things.

OMW NOT THE “I CAN’T HEAR SOUND EFFECT” AGAIN! Gah, I hate it. Can we stop with the weird sound effects?! Just get back to the movie … no slow mo, no ringing. Just the movvvieee.

What does Katniss think she can do against the bombs? I am confused.

Of course they’re targeting the hospital, you idiot. Who else would they target? Who else did you just go associate with?

“There is no progress without compromise. No victory without sacrifice.” I gotta agree.

I would be such a better Katniss than Katniss. They needed an ISTP or possibly an ESTP, and they got themselves an INTJ or INTP, and it sucks for them.

I feel like she’s not smart enough to be an INTP. She might just be an uneducated INTJ.

Anyways, there’s been so more Gale shipping time, and I’m just like, “… why not him?”

I honestly think the only reason this is a two parter is because there is NO other way to redeem Peeta. He is such an idiot. I don’t care if he’s drugged. He should KILL himself. Surely they have to feed him some time. You can easily kill yourself with a fork or a knife or anything.

GALE IS SO RIGHT. They will NEVER make Gale turn into their Patsy. Gale is so epic. JUST MARRY THE HECK OUT OF GALE. Peeta is a jerk. I don’t care what they’ve done to him. I don’t care how they’ve threatened him. He should have killed himself. He is better dead than alive.

YEAH STAY WITH GALE! He’s so awesome.

“This is where you kissed me.”

James: She kissed him in several different places, so it’s kinda hard to remember them all. WHY IS HE IN THE FRIENDZONE AGAIN!? 

Like he’s so attractive. And now they’re smooching again. MARRY GALE YOU LITTLE BRAT. Just marry himmmm.

James and I are both shipping Gale and Katniss so hard right now.

OOH HERE’S THE SONG! I love it. YES! This song is so great. Also, Jennifer Lawrence kinda has a great voice. I love this song so much.

That whole montage is what we should’ve done all along.

Oh, right, they’re bombing 13. Was Prim an idiot in the book? I can’t remember. I feel like she wasn’t. Also, they can’t get the Mockingjay locked out?

HOW ARE THEY STRETCHING THIS PLOT SO THIN?! Dang it.

The movie has time for playing with a flashlight and the cat. Like, why does the movie have time for this? BECAUSE THEY SPLIT IT INTO TWO UNNECESSARY MOVIES. Gah, the money-making.

Katniss does not love Peeta. Just everyone … stop. Stop.

“HOW ABOUT YOU WORRY ABOUT PEETA RIGHT AFTER YOU SAY YOUR LINES!? You are so dumb sometimes.” ~James

This whole commentary is basically two sensors (me, ISTP — James, ESTJ) relentlessly picking at an INTJ for not being a sensor. Which I feel bad for, but … can we get something settled? Please?

“I can never fully support that woman in light of prohibition going on.”

I swear Haymitch is so me, and it makes me happy.

This is all warry and now I don’t like this as much as I didn’t like the character development stuff earlier. I’m hard to please — what can I say?

Finnick still remains great.

Are venom and poison different? Like poisonous venom? That phrase feels like overkill. I guess snakes do poison people … are they the same thing?

OMW. YOU LITTLE IDIOT! DO NOT GIVE UP. You know what matters more than Peeta?! Thousands of lives who will be improved by this rebellion. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN BEATENED. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!

I hate this so much. It is NOT even a noble sacrifice because Peeta needs to die. Snow is so right. Katniss is a child, and she needs to stop. Her concerns ARE narrow. They’re stupid. They’re ridiculous.

Oh, wait, is this a trick? I think it’s a trick. All right. I was getting mad there for a second. I think it’s a trick still …? All right. That makes sense.

Okay, calm down, girl. Stop losing it. You need to chill. Take a giant chill pill and focus on things that are more important than Peeta — like THE REBELLION. Remember that?! Just concentrate on saving the world and don’t worry about anything else. Including your little boy toy.

NEEDS OF THE MANY. The needs of the many mean so much more than the needs of the few. If you’re going to lead a rebellion, lead it. If you aren’t going to lead a rebellion, be a selfish brat and take care of you and yours and don’t get anyone else’s hopes up.

The way I see it, you have two choices: either be the Mockingjay or save your family and friends. You cannot do both, nor should you. I would make that decision. Katniss needs to make that decision!

Oh, no! The cool gamemaker’s actor overdosed on drugs! That’s so sad. I think he does look like Jim Gaffigan.

All right. On to Mockingjay: Part 2.

Mockingjay, Part 2

Wow, Peeta really did a number.

Wait, how is Philip Seymour Hoffman still here?! I thought he was dead.

Who are they sending in to talk to Peeta? Is that Prim? Okay, chill, now. Peeta … you’re just … you’re … so ugly. And so … stupid looking. Like he is not attractive at all. Gale is looking better by the moment.

She only has two hours and four minutes to stop liking Gale, and they’re kissing AGAIN. Like this is so fantastic. How could anyone possibly not ship the heck out of this?!

Also, I find it absolutely ridiculous in every way that anyone could like Peeta at this point. I’m so confused by the Peeta shippers of this world. Like, are you just bending to the wills of the author? ‘Cause I don’t roll like that, my homies.

Also, Peeta has only ever kissed Katniss and like it was so little, so … you know what. I’m just gonna say he’s a poor kisser and Gale is a really great one, and she is throwing that away for NO REASON.

Katniss is stupid. She’s mad at Gale for legit no reason. You wanted a rebellion? You need to have BOMBS.

Okay, it is NOT always personal. Don’t be such a fricken idiot. This is about killing mass amounts of people for the gain of a country. You need to kill those who will not join the rebellion if necessary because they are the people who will allow your country to return to this state.

Like, I’m sorry, but every word Gale has said for these last couple scenes has been right and every thing Katniss has said has been wrong. KILL. THEM. ALL. No survivors. No mercy.

The enemy is not so much Snow as the people who allow a communist dictatorship. Just sayin’. So let’s … not underplay the mindset which allows such things to happen?

If one person had stood up to Hitler in the early years — if the Germany society wasn’t ready to accept the evils of the Third Reich — if more people had stood against prejudice — if any number of things had happened, millions of people would be alive today or their descendants would be alive today.

Do not underestimate the mentalities that will exist with or without Snow!

Snow is a manipulator — but he’s also just one human being, like any other. The manipulator is a manipulator because people saw him as their hero, because they would rather have peace than freedom, because they believed the lies and allowed the manipulation — never forget that.

Man, if nothing else, these make me think. You gotta respect Snow, you know?

Joanna continues to be great.

Oh, darn, I looked up her personality type, and I forgot it’s Johanna Mason. Man. I love that name so much, though. I feel so bad.

I think she is ESTP, though. She’s not emotive enough for ESFP, though I guess she technically could be. I guess she could be ISTP, but I think she’s just too much of a performer with that. So ESTP or just messed up ESFP. I love her, though.

I agree that book Katniss and movie Katniss are so different that it doesn’t even feel like the same person. My thoughts from having read the books so long ago is that she had ISTP thoughts and weird actions that didn’t really fit that type.

It was so weird and detached. But yeah, you can’t expect an author to write the perfect character when she’s just trying to relate to a thousand irrational teenage girls.

Some of her actions are very emotionally driven, which is not ISTP at all, and then they were also driven by the needs of the few, which again … yeah no. And her loyalty was weird. And her indecision isn’t at all the way I experience indecision.

Katniss … you can’t just keep blaming Snow. That’s so narrow-minded.

Like, yes, kill him. Someone should’ve killed Hitler long ago — though he’s not maniacal like Hitler. He’s more … controlled.

But that doesn’t change the damage done any more than killing Hitler changed the damage done to Germany. Or killing Stalin or … just anyone. It wouldn’t change the damage done to the society overnight, which is what Katniss believes.

People as a whole gotta be pretty messed up — I mean, they’ve been sending their children to kill each other for 75 years, which is … pretty traumatic.

This is such a weird movie for teenage girls to be into. Is it just the love triangle? What am I missing here? I love it as a thought-provoking war thingy with lots of manipulation and twists and crazy government nonsense. That’s what I love about WWII. (Okay, that sounds sadistic, but y’all know what I mean.)

Is it just the love triangle? It’s so weird, though. Like I know why I love it (bloodthirsttttyyy), but … what about all y’all who aren’t ISTPs? What is your excuse?

Tell Peeta about all the women who sacrificed their lives for him. That’s very real

Are they trying to turn Peeta into an angsty anti-hero who teenage girls will actually want? Because it’s not working. He’s still not angst-y or an anti-hero. Such a baby.

I’m confused about what is going on now because I haven’t been paying attention at all. I’ve been on Facebook and messing around on my phone and just … doing nothing of importance, really.

We’re having to pause this for who knows how long.

Okay, back at 5:39. Man, that took us a while. Also, the wifi is spitting at us. Kinda sucks.

So basically, Peeta is telling Katniss that he might kill her which makes him irresistibility attractive. #badboys

I totally missed that they thought Katniss was dead. I am so … behind. Like I’ve stopped paying attention.

Okay, so they gonna take down the evil dictator and therefore end everything? Good thought. Don’t you love how killing Hitler solved all the problems in Europe?

The real or not real stuff still goes on and on and on and on. Also, Katniss is just like, “Go to sleep, Peeta. Shut up.”

Okay, so Katniss stands there waiting to get caught by scary sounds for way too long. Bad idea. She’s so dumb sometimes. Like, how did she survive the games again…?

All of these extras are itching to be the next dead body.

Expendable character #35 is itching for death. Watch her go into that tunnel last like a boss. She just turned her back on the bad guys AND hesitated. Poor choices. So yeah, she deserved that.

No, don’t stop to mourn your lost comrades or you’ll be dead. Keep going. You’re not an expendable character, though, so I guess you can afford a second of hesitancy — it’s just that none of your friends can.

None of this is explained at all. Thanks, movies, for being long so you’d have enough time for everything.

Yeah, keep trying to convince me Peeta is gonna die. He isn’t. He’s just there to be saved by a girl again because … that’s all girls are good for. Saving Peeta’s life.

Was this how Finnick died in the book? I guess it was. Though I’m not sure. I feel like our emotional attachment to Finnick in the books was like … so much less.

LEAVE PEETA ALONE. Let him die. Literally … let him die. DON’T KISS HIM. GALE IS RIGHT THERE. Now Gale feels neglected. She should’ve left Peeta and kissed Gale instead. gAAHHH. I don’t ship this so much that it’s not even funny.

Now I again do not know what is going on. Gah, why do I remember the first and second books so well and not the third?

Oh, chill, Katniss. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few expendable characters.

I swear they go from action scene to emotional speech to action scene to emotional speech, and it’s so dumb.

Because you know? They should be able to make the emotions from like one scene to last them throughout the whole movie, but instead they all have the attention span of a two-year-old. Like it’s been two seconds since the last “grounding moment” and they’re already like, “I forgot why we’re here. Why are we here!?”

I am 70% sure that it’s that “I’m too dangerous” that makes Katniss like Peeta and 30% sure it’s [redacted … long story].

I am also 99% sure that Katniss kissed Gale the way she just kissed Peeta a thousand times. Maybe more than a thousand times.

Okay, a lot of stuff happened, and I’m confused about what is going on again, but Prim is dead, and Katniss is at the president’s house. For reasons.

Oh, there’s Snow. I … don’t care about him. He still seems like an old grandpa.

But yeah, you can’t make a rebellion without breaking a few babies. *shrugs*

I will again say that Gale is in the right and Katniss is in the wrong. The trap is ingenuous, and you can’t have a war without killing people. Like, war is about killing people. Does no one get this but me and Gale?! #galeismyboy

Gale didn’t kill anyone. Also, Katniss has killed way more people than Gale even dreamt of. Also, she is a hypocrite.

Katniss, I hate your guts. There is no way on earth that this could even be Gale’s thoughts.

Lol, I don’t know that Coin is a ton better than Snow. Like … okay, maybe a bit but not a ton.

I love the idea of another Hunger Games to kill off some capital people, but … I feel like that’s not gonna happen. Sadly.

They can’t solve anything like this, but I still want them to which is … Yeah. Yay bloodshed — but it’s useless. Unless you handpick people who definitely deserve it or something.

This shot is cool, and yay for more Roman vibes — I do like the drums — but this has been going on forever.

Katniss is wearing so much makeup during the execution.

Oh, my gosh. I forgot allllll about this. I am going crazy right now. What the frig??? I am much confused. This is awesome, though. Kudos to you, Suzanne Collins!

Wow, the Gamemaker dude is there and all smirky. Love him.

Honestly, Katniss is crazy in every way.

I’m gonna miss Effie most of all. Wow, Effie and Haymitch kissssss! How sweet. I love them. I liked drunk Haymitch better, though.

Katniss is a fricken psycho who I don’t care about one bit. Like … I do not care at all at this point. Stop crying and go away, Katniss! I miss all the good characters who probably won’t show up again.

James: Is Peeta moving in next door? Is he planting some flowers or something?

Camera: pans to Peeta planting flowers

Also, it is weird that so much time has passed and yet it’s been glossed over so badly. Yay poor character development!

Ewwww, don’t get in bed with Peeta!

Stop with the real stuff. You so annoying. Get over yourself.

They have kids. Eesh. That be fast. Two kids. Katniss is not a good mother. Don’t pretend, girl. You’re probably a fricken horrible mother. Katniss has also not aged, by the way.

Okay, so that’s over. Yeet.

---

And those are my thoughts on the Hunger Games movies! Basically, they were pretty decent, but not decent enough for me to watch them again for a long time to come.

TTFN!

~Kell~

P.S.

Did you enjoy these movies? How about the books? Or did you watch them at all? Do you agree with me on anything? Also, how cOULD YOU SHIP PEETA WHEN GALE EXISTS ACCCKK? Peeta is such a baby.

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