Once upon a time there was a girl named Kellyn Roth. Well, really, her name was Kelly Lyn Garrett, but sometimes it was hard for her to separate the two, especially since she always put so much pressure to perform on dear old Kellyn.
But thatβs a story for another time.
The story I have to tell today is about how Kellyn Roth almost exploded because Kelly Lyn Garrett was spending way too much time as Kelly Lyn Garrett and any time she did spend at Kellyn Roth was squandered with meaningless worries and distraction.
If youβre not confused yet, you have a mind like a steel trap. You must eat a lot of fish.
But really, folks …
I have been feeling very stressed lately because β¦ I just donβt have time to write or blog or do all the other things I really enjoy doing β and yet also take significant brain power.
Iβd rather be writing and teaching writing full time right now, honestly. An author has so many little jobs that take so much energy that beyond that and doing a little coaching on the side, Iβd have just enough time for the other things in life I want to do β mainly spend time with friends, relax a little, develop some important relationships, and volunteer here and there.
But sadly, life isnβt perfect. I canβt probably get enough writing students to support myself until this whole authoring thing really starts to pay, and I do enjoy working my day jobs, at least for now.
So I canβt rapid-release a series or finish a novel in a week or get everything perfectly set up on my website in a couple days. My email list is a mess β Iβm responding to emails late β itβs hard to think of taking on any more commitments as I fail the ones I have (or at least I fail them in my eyes).
Nor can I control my personal life. I canβt fit my friends into nice, neat boxes where their schedules align with mine. Nor can I make them supportive in the exact way I need them to be supportive without telling them.
I canβt marry Ian yesterday, sadly. π The impracticalities and foolishnesses of that would be obvious in so many ways. Also, I canβt really do anything yesterday β itβs already happened. #justFYI
At my day jobs, I can only do my best, but I canβt be perfect. Perfection is unachievable. Anyone who tells your otherwise is probably Jesus. (Why is Heaven so far away? Or perhaps itβs not, which is rather chilling when you want to live despite it all.)
Iβd really just rather be in control of everything?
Nothing stresses me out more than not being able to push myself hard on what I want to push myself on.
I donβt like resting. I mean, I donβt know that I donβt like it, but I have never done it (really), so Iβm not exactly sure what it entails β¦?
Supposedly, people just donβt work, and then they gain energy from not working. I think thatβs the idea.
Okay, Iβm joking. Actually, for all I get done, Iβd consider myself a rather lazy individual. Rarely do I get as much done as I couldβI tend to work pretty slowly most of the time, at my own pace, and I need to push myself harder.
That said, Iβm not really talking about times when one is not working. I like to multi-task (e.g. I never watch a movie or TV show while not writing β¦ I just donβt), even if Iβm not good at it, so Iβm seldom not βworking,β per se, but I still do rest (as in just sitting on a chair staring at a wall) occasionally.
What I mean by resting in God is times when one is continually on the move but still finds inner peace in Christ.
I do not have inner peace. I just never have, and I sometimes feel like I never will, and frankly I donβt 100% love the idea of having it. I like to beat myself up for all the things Iβm not doing.
You see, Iβd much rather it be on me. Iβd much rather take the blame. Iβd much rather feel miserable all the time.
I donβt like resting in God. I donβt like taking the blame off my shoulders. Iβd rather keep trying and failing and trying and failing and allowing myself to suffer for things I cannot or will not control.
Control isnβt on me, though.
Hereβs the thing, though β thatβs not what lifeβs about! Life is not about human beings controlling everything. Life is about God controlling everything.
The truth is that we cannot make things happen any more than we can breathe fire. We canβt. The events of our lives do not depend on us.
And though that could in some inspire a βho-hum, then Iβll not do anythingβ attitude, well, thatβd mean youβre missing the point.
Does God want us to sit around all day doing nothing? Absolutely no. But does He have a plan for our life, higher than we can even know, that will happen no matter what? Yes.
I can see yβall getting confused. I can understand why β itβs beyond human understanding exactly how it works.
The simplest way I can think of it is that God wants us to do good things, to help people, to try to follow His path as best we can. After all, Godβs plans work because of the people in them (whether or not theyβre aware of it).
However, what we do or not do does not β¦
- Make Him love us (He loves us no matter what)
- Change what will and will not happen (Godβs plan as much involves our mistakes and our missed opportunities as our successes and taken opportunities)
Yeah, it still doesnβt make sense, does it? It just doesnβt make sense. We can only trust that to God, it all does make sense.
This probably makes you feel pretty tiny β just a speck in the universe. Me, too! But because weβre beloved by God, because His love is infinite, because His plans are unstoppable but also heavily involve us β¦ Basically, weβre good to go.
So far so good?
Now I can see your confused expressions. You seem to have a grasp on this, Kell, so whatβs up?
Ummmmm β¦ I understand a lot of things I donβt do, yβall. Thatβs how Christian life goes! π
I know I struggle with resting in God. I know that my life is not going to spiral out of control because of anything I do or do not do. I know that God loves me. I know that my actions do not predict my worthiness or unworthiness.
Yet I want to control everything about my life. I want to be in a different season than I am. I want to push myself as hard as I can and never take a break. I want to accomplish all my life goals yesterday.
So I struggle. So I fight with myself. So I push my body and mind to their limits and still keep asking more. So I rant to my friends about how stressed I am β and so I refuse to take any excellent advice offered to me.
That sounds bad β¦
Now, you could take this wrong. Sheβs gone from not trusting God about her life to not trusting herself to trust God about her life. Itβs trust inception.
Eh, Iβm doing okay, actually. I understand that Iβm not meant to be continually whining about what I must do and cannot do, and I do my best to remain positive. Some days are better than others. Most days I have to rely on knowledge not feeling (which is ideal anyway but itβs easier to be happy when you are).
That said, I think I need to understand that rest is still a legitimate thing β and then react on that understanding.
People need to take a break. And I need to stop judging people for taking a break β and I need to stop judging myself for taking a break.
So basically, this was my mini update on my life!
Resting is a hard lesson for me to learn, but Iβm trying to get there. Iβm trying not to let my desire to achieve more get in the way of actually living my life!
Most of my life, people have told me I have unusually high standards for myself that cause me a lot of stress.
I never really saw it, honestly. Probably because in certain areas of my life I am quite lazy β Iβve never tried hard to be a good daughter, for instance, or to clean my room, or to learn biology.
But I do see it as far as my writing and other very specific things go. I see that I push myself super hard, neglect reality, and make myself conform to unrealistic expectations of myself β¦ and then stress when I canβt go as hard as Iβd like to go.
Is this what God would want for me? No. It is not.
Iβm not sure I have a 100% perfect conclusion to this, primarily because I havenβt quite reached the conclusion to it. Iβm still working on it. I have a life to live and lessons to learn in it β like anyone.
But at least I understand it even if I havenβt gotten it as well-applied to my life as I could. Thereβs always a lesson Godβs having us learn, and itβs never easy, but Heβs a good teacher.
TTFN!
~Kell~
P.S.
Do you ever struggle to rest in God? What’s up with your life right now? Do you ever know but not apply lessons?
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10 Responses
Always here, girl. God’s got you, even when the “put the lesson to work” can be difficult. β₯
Thanks, Angela! π
Aw, that’s always hard. And frustrating.
I’m thankful we have a gracious and loving God even under these circumstances. I relate π
Yup, exactly!
I relate to this so much! I am always busy and hate to stay still. I’ve recently had to reevaluate my writing and personal priorities for the exact reason that we just can’t do it all. That’s difficult though when the world says that we should always be more, do more, that where we are is never good enough. That as an author, success is measured by publishing multiple times each year, marketing everywhere, going to every signing, and make sure to above all: sell, sell, sell. It’s completely unrealistic, especially since we want to prioritize our family and friends and jobs and everything else. It’s no wonder we have such a hard time resting in God, when we’re constantly told not to rest. We know He’s in control, but our subconscious keeps fighting back, causing anxiety that we don’t know how to quell, and sometimes don’t even know where it came from. Then we feel bad because we should have placed more trust in Him and it starts a circular pattern. Whew, it’s exhausting. I’m tired just writing this comment. This has been my struggle for many years and I suspect it will be for awhile to come. But God is patient and meets us where we are, and for that I’m thankful. I actually started a daily devotional this year called Jesus Calling that is all about finding God’s peace in the midst of all our worries. It has been a wonderful reminder for me each morning of the mindset I want to strive for.
Yup, pretty much. It’s not an easy battle, for sure, but it’s still an important one!
I feel this. Adulthood, man . . .
For the first time in our lives, we’re told we are “in control” of our futures and we need to “make it all happen,” but what all those Super Helpful Adults forget to mention is, there’s STILL a heck of a lot that we CAN’T ACTUALLY CONTROL, and that no amount of hard work, dedication, or diligence will magically turn us from a human being into God. Because God is in control. And we are not.
*heavy sighs*
It’ll work out, though. For you and me both. π
Right! Sometimes people do forget that, I think. π
So, like, this was like reading a blog post about my own life, haha. I feel, Kell-Bell, I really do.
Aw, yeah, it can feel like that a lot, can’t it?! Hopefully it’ll start looking up soon. π