This Used to be a Quality Blog (& here’s why it’s not anymore)
The first part of the title is kind of a lie, but it got your attention, now, didn’t it? 😉
No, this was never a quality blog, but it was an UPDATED blog, which is something, eh? Nowadays, it’s not. Well, it is now, but in general, I’ve been struggling to find time for blogging. Which sucks because I ENJOY blogging. I like writing long-form things, and I am continually pushing the character limits on Instagram.
I’m told I should focus on my newsletter (which you can subscribe to here, if you’ve a mind! I’m currently sending monthly updates which are really awesome and succinct), but I … I mean, I will, so definitely do subscribe, but I will probably always still have a blog. That said, the quality has always and will always vary. And now is no exception.
But I would love to talk, briefly, today, about the reasoning behind my difficulty updating this blog AND how I’m working to combat that. Because I can make promises all day – and I have, many times – but without physical steps to take to fix that, there’s no hope. None at all.
Let’s talk about that.
First, I’ve been busy.
This is always the case, but it feels like the busy is of a different type (though normal busy also haunts me, certainly! I always am over-booked). I’ll admit … when it comes to blogging, I’m an emotional person. Depending on my mood, I will blog more or less, and I always have, even when loosely sticking to a schedule.
I feel like I’m emotionally busy these days. I’m always processing something, and even when I’m not, particularly, the air around me feels heavy, full of unfulfilled expectations and crushed dreams and hopes I don’t dare to express.
It’s not with depression or stress or all the normal stuff I’m so accustomed to. I’m not miserable – I’m not suicidal – I’m not angry at my boyfriend or having friend drama or struggling at work or doubting my writing, my life, my faith. Not so far from God that I can barely touch light – not so distant from purity that I can barely believe there is such a thing as goodness – not so alone in the spirit I can barely trust anyone around me.
I wrote through all of that on this blog. I wrote most of my books while dealing with one or many of those.
No, it’s much better than that. It’s that life I didn’t believe existed, where I’m not dead inside. I’m alive, and I’m living, and my goodness, it’s awful and wonderful at the same time.
I’m just emotionally tired.
It’s hard emotional work being married. Hard to always keep the peace. Hard to believe the best when the very nature of any close relationship is to see and accept the worst. Hard to adjust myself to the idea that the biggest work in my life is not something physical, or not the simple task of showing up and doing my best.
Because my best is so much less than what is needed in this situation. It’s hard to force myself to try in a relationship all. the. time.
I’m not a big fan of big effort. “Work smart, not hard” could literally be tattooed on my forehead.
And I’m exhausted by it. I don’t seem to have space in my mind to process as much as I used to, and these last few months have been the worst of it.
But lest I blame Matthew for everything (poor fellow got an overthinker for a wife, lol) – it’s also the reality of … reality. Ugh. Which brings us into our second point.
Second, I’ve been … high?
No, not like that! I’m not that kind of Oregonian.
Okay, that was just a catchy headline to mess with y’all. Basically, being “high” is kind of the opposite of being depressed. After all, the root word of depression and the alternate definition is, of course:
(of an object or part of an object) in a physically lower position, having been pushed or forced down.
No one ever tells you that after you stop *actively* being depressed (I’m not saying I’m completely healed, but I feel like God has done a number on me – in a good way! – in the last year or so), you start having this like … not depressed thingy? What is this? It’s so weird?
But depression, um, depresses a lot of your reactions, and though that usually just means the positive ones, that can also mean a lot of my emotional reactions. (MATTHIAS SMACKED ME, AND I. TEARED. UP. Which freaked the snot out of him. And also amused me because he has the best shocked expressions.)
And I know that some time I will learn to manage my emotions. What’s happening here is that whenever I do have an emotion, I’m shocked by it and don’t react as quickly as I have in the past. And I am slowly learning self-control and understanding what it is that I’m reacting to and why.
But in the meantime, it’s weird. It’s super weird. And you know what, it annoys me that this isn’t talked about because, like … do we just assume depression will be with people forever and there’s no use in talking about recovery? What’s up with that?
Y’all are, um, depressing.
Anyways, we need healing stories, so that’s why I think it was good for me to share part of mine. Even if I am frequently a mess, it’s not what is used to be. And I’m grateful for that (even if Matthew would probably say I don’t act grateful very often).
Third, a lack of maintenance begets a lack of interest.
This is kind of like how, if I don’t do dirty dishes every time I create dirty dishes, I end up leaving them for over a week until we legitimately have no more. As I use my blog less, I … use my blog less.
Another part of this is that the less I use my blog, the less I promote it and create new content, the less I have interaction. And I THRIVE on interaction. However, I need to be okay with writing to the void for a while because I have been so bad at maintaining this blog that it’s time to do that.
I used to, and I did just fine then. It’s time to write to no one until someone shows up.
Because at the heart of it, this blog is a place for me to put personal thoughts, to act as a public journal for recording the things I am safe to say online, which are somewhat formal in nature (heh), but which still don’t quite fit into set boxes like other stuff I write.
And I’m not ready to give up blogging any time soon. So even if this blog isn’t quite what it used to be, I’m still here.
Anyways, all this to say, I AM PRESENT. I AM ALIVE. And I’m much more active on Instagram, send regular updates to my email list, and of course I harass my street team constantly.
But I love “Reveries.” I love this blog to death! It was my beginning, and I can’t abandon it. Or I won’t, I pray, as long as God gives me ideas and courage to write.
What do you want to see on this blog? I have an idea, but I still ask because it’s always helpful to get more feedback. Also, what stops you from doing THE THING? (We all have “a thing.” A thing we put off. What’s yours?)
Glad to hear from you here, Kell! Proud of you for being real and sharing part of your story. Looking forward to wherever this blog goes!
Thanks, Jana! And thanks for hanging around with me even throughout all my sporadic-ism. 😉
KEEELLLL YOU’RE HEREEEEE!!!! *grins* Also. YES YES YES!!!! Praise God, first of all, that you’re on the road to recovery, and second, I wholeheartedly agree that we need stories of healing and hope!!!! Thank you SO much for sharing that and your other life updates!!!
As for what I’d like to see…MORE RANTS. The main reason why I follow your blog is because I found and loved your old rantish posts (mainly bookish rants, but I’m up for anything), so I would LOVE to see more of that!!!
YES! I AM HERE! Well, I hope so. I’m working on some different blog posts, but I don’t know how long I’ll keep up with it. But I hope a while, because I really do enjoy blogging and want to get back to it!
I know! Rants are so much fun to write! I need to summon a little more creative energy and spend more time with God so I feel more passionately about things. Plus I probably need to read more, but I can start out with the whole God thing. 😉 I think that would be a good place to summon up some goodness.
YAY!!! Ah, I feel ya! I hope so too!
Absolutely! Sounds like the perfect place to start! 😉 I can’t wait to see what you come up with! 😀